we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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