When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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