I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
