all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I think I just shit out all my problems.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
