there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
