I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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