Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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