i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
