She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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