i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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