Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
