Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
