it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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