I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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