Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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