Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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