for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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