My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
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I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
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If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
My feet surprised me
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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