Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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