Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
