This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
