she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
