The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
