How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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