He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
