I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
