Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
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Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
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So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.