He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
she looked like the before picture.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
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i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
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I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀