Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
