Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm too high and old for this...
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
