I could make wine with my vomit
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We don't watch enough power rangers
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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