i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
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He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
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Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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