i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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