I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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