chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
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I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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