My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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