True but thats because hes a fetus.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
