I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
