Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
