We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?