Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude