Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.