On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
