The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
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Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
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At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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