I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
