Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
