The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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