I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
