Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
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She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
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As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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