one two three fourrrrnication!
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
