I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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