Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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