Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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