The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
did i just pee glitter
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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